So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.


Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome


[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall


Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time


Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.


I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.


Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”


[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”