I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
San Francisco has too many rules
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids