Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”
My hair is purple, guys. Purple.
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[in bathroom stall]
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
‘There’s lots of other fish in the sea.’
Me, burning dinner.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!