Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”
My hair is purple, guys. Purple.
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.