So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
You Might Also Like
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Smooooooth
🤣🤣
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
what?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
no cat here
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story