So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers