so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Dune (2021)
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”