@Bill_Nye_Tho__

s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic

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@VerbsRProudest

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

@dogwoodisbest

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

@DaHess1

Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.

@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst

@bourgeoisalien

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@tragecies

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe