So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[eulogy]
line?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”