So true for me
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road