@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

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@prufrockluvsong

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

@MoneypennyNaked

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

@TheLesbianTwin

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@writerPT

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@ClichedOut

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan