So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*frowns in Scottish*
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?