robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Try and stop me.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock