so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.