So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?


Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.


I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.


I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road


My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.


Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one


ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled


My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.


[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!


getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house