So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
A French press is when you hug naked
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II