Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house