So we got a goldfish…
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People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
this is the news I live for
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.