So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.