I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug
“So we kill a tree”
“And put it inside our house”
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
You Might Also Like
[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t
Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it’ when your mom was eating that banana
[walking through park with date]
Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet