@DanMentos

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

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@Pirate_nurse

I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug

@Home_Halfway

[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t

@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@Parkerlawyer

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@thepunningman

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

@goldengateblond

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

@AsgardianRose

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

@david8hughes

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

@TheAlexNevil

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet