“So we kill a tree”
“And put it inside our house”
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”

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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream


[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice


My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday


I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.


What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk


I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…


moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed