“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Punctuation Matters. Period.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
what does he know…