“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.