I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.