i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
house sitting!