@PopSlapFunk

So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.

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@buttsword

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

@michelleDbelle

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

@Jarhead44

I don’t know this guy, but it looks like opening day of zucchini season.

@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

@PabloGSerski

Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.

@PatsATweetin

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.