So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.

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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from


The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.


We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.


My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.


I don’t know this guy, but it looks like opening day of zucchini season.


When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.


Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.


interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.