My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
me 2 months after i graduated
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup