So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I came this close!!!!
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…