So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*


The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will


Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.


If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.




If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun


Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.


The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.


Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.