so weird how every mom was born today
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.