me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
so weird how every mom was born today
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*
‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!
Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.