@fro_vo

so weird how every mom was born today

so weird how every mom was born today

- @fro_vo

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@jjhartinger

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

@AndyAsAdjective

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

@Sean_Burgundy_

Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@sarcasticmommy4

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic

@shkeeber

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.