@fro_vo

so weird how every mom was born today

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@Xoolun

My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.

@behindyourback

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@justinshanes

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

@JasonIsbell

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

@annoyingyang_

Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.

@EvilHeart20

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

@tlcprincess

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?