so weird how every mom was born today

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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers


Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow


Me: I did not see this coming


I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁


[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.


protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?


he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish


Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.


One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone


6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)


You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.