My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
How to draw a duck
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.