You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
so weird how every mom was born today
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Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
Me: I did not see this coming
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.