@fro_vo

so weird how every mom was born today

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@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@PleaseBeGneiss

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@capnwatsisname

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@DanKCharnley

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

@MissHavisham

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

@pondermymaker

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.