so weird how every mom was born today

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ME to BF: “We need to talk about the future.” BF: “what about it,you wanna talk about flying cars and robots and stuff?”


I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.


Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.


My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.


Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.


I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.


*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job


3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake


Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.