so weird how every mom was born today
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To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”