@MarkAgee

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

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@Chumpstring

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@BigBagOfScum

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

@tracietom

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

@BackrowSeats

People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.

@shimmala

My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.

@drinksmcgee

My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.

@Thynebear

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

@Itskarleytime

*texts with friends*

Friend: hey

Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?

Friend: I sent that 8 months ago

@Idiotstopnow

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

@astutenewf

12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb?

Me: And you came with a no return policy