So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic


Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”


Me- “who’s the expert now?”


I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.


People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.


My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.


My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.


*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*


*texts with friends*

Friend: hey

Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?

Friend: I sent that 8 months ago


This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.


12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn’t Mary have a little lamb?

Me: And you came with a no return policy