So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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Alexa, make me look good naked.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.