@QwertyJones3

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

You Might Also Like

@Matt_The_1st

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

@TheIronSherk

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

@TheIntComShow

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

@AimeeHelene1

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

@DaddyJew

Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”

No

“then cereal”

@Audenary

Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-

Neeson: EVERYONE

@NYC_Blonde

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?