I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Daddy, what’s for dinner?
“did you have cereal for breakfast?”
Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
Liam Neeson: I will find them.
Wilde: Wait, I meant-
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?