So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago


Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*


Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots


Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film


I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.


6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.


Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”


“then cereal”


Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-



Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?