@HallpassCanada
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
@Aspersioncast
So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.
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@HallpassCanada
@MaraWilson
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
@carbsley
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
@iamspacegirl
Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage
Elves: no!
Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
@BoogTweets
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
@Jonesy_donkey
As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight
@BlackCatBettie
And then God made Saturn.
And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
@SadieSkyNinja
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
@flashember
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
@SatansTongue
There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
“NOOO”
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
And HIV
“NOOO”