So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.

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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.


How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”


barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers


Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light


As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight


Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.


[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-


There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”