So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
You Might Also Like
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!