[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?