@ShutUpThatsWho

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

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@HatfieldAnne

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

@GingerHotDish

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@Stellacopter

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@rudy_mustang

creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet

me: what no

creep: i’ll venmo you $100

me: what color should i paint my toes

@dundlewood

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after