@david8hughes

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

You Might Also Like

@nachosarah

if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@IHPower

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

@TheAndrewNadeau

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

@AbbyHasIssues

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

@truegritrumble

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

@QwertyJones3

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

@danielvisme

I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.

@YasmeenMS

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

@DaveWeasel

The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.