“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

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if all my friends jumped off a cliff I wouldn’t do it too because cats can land on their feet they’ll be fine


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.


her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow


How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.


INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.


[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”


I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’


The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.