so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes