“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
that wasn’t the question
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*