So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.