So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no