So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror: