@TheRealRHB

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

You Might Also Like

@ch000ch

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

@jollyrobber

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

@WineMummy

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

@Norsebysw

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

@EwdatsGROSS

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

@NYorNothing

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

@YourMomsucksTho

Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.

@AngryRaccoon2

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.