To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”