@Shock_Monster: So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I'm a douche.nnBatman does it & it's a bad-ass utility belt. nnnDouble standard.
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@TheBoghdady: "When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."
@Whatevah_Amy: Apparently, saying "grande" in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
@heyitsJudeD: *3yo's birthday* Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out? 3yo: ok *blows hard* Me: great job 3yo: great blow job Me: 3yo: ? Me: .... just eat the cake
@ihateitmunky: [after a mandatory drug test] boss: ok well that’s not it so what the hell is your problem