My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.