Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Him: this isn’t going well.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Exercise gets your heart rate up. Anxiety gets your heart rate up. Caffeine gets your heart rate up. You’re not better than me.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?