So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed


When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.


Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.


Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell


*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.


Exercise gets your heart rate up. Anxiety gets your heart rate up. Caffeine gets your heart rate up. You’re not better than me.


[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?


Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.