@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

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@xJLynn

If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@better_off_dad

Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
Me: nah
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
D: Alcohol?
M: 4 glasses
D: Coffee?
M: Yes, please

@Twisted_Mettle

Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@ClichedOut

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

@TylerComeOn

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

@froghammer

Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me