So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

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If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female


9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip


Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol


My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.


I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.


Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad


Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open


Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?


That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned


I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer