@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

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@jazmasta

If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female

@Fish4EDM

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

@dubstep4dads

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

@ieatanddrink

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?

@siddo471

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

@Torriable

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer