Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now