@aka_fatman

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

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@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

@TheToddWilliams

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

@LunaKayne

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

@tastefactory

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up