So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
You Might Also Like
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I just ran a .003048K
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.