So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Just had my nails done!
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me too 😆
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.