3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*
Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”
Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.