@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

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@3sunzzz

[Walmart]

3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!

@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@Reverend_Scott

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

@MatthewEPierce

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@Birdhumms

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

@corinnemlwsw

“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”

Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@JohnLyonTweets

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.