@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

@shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@lovstructionist

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

@PimpBillClinton

Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.

@iwearaonesie

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

@3sunzzz

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@AnniemuMary

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

@stockejock

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French