So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…