Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”