“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.


I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.


Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy


ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”


Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt


911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back


*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets


“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.


I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.


Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”