Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it