So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I put the mess in domestic.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.