@mjkspeaks
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
@sfreeze6
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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@mjkspeaks
@50FirstTates
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
@TheToddWilliams
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
@sonictyrant
HORSE: *walks up to the bar*
ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?
HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry
@lianamaeby
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
@TheNYAMProject
Me: I know something we can do tonight đŸ˜‰
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
@JermHimselfish
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
@AristotlesNZ
You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?
@AimeeHelene1
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
@bugspunny1
Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k.
Husband: Que