So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Story of my life…..
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.