@sfreeze6

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

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@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@50FirstTates

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

@sonictyrant

HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I know something we can do tonight đŸ˜‰

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@AristotlesNZ

You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

@bugspunny1

Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k.
Husband: Que