So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this