@PleaseBeGneiss: So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you've made it.
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@SortaBad: After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
@UncleDuke1969: [bedtime] SON: I want a monster story. ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.