So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.