Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You Might Also Like
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Yup