GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.