@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

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@1800Randy

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

@dorsalstream

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

@stopbylater

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

@TragicAllyHere

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

@TomSchally

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

@DaddyJew

8: daddy, can I have $600,000?

Me: what? No

8: can I have $3?

Me: fine but only bc I feel like im getting a deal here

@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@Axenbane

I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.