So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.
He died doing what he loved. Harassing bear cubs.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
Love Mom XO