My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
8: daddy, can I have $600,000?
Me: what? No
8: can I have $3?
Me: fine but only bc I feel like im getting a deal here
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
OH SHIT WHERE
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.