“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
classic mixup
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
(by @ZachWeiner )
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.