@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

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@trevso_electric

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

@PhilJamesson

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

@purcival

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

@autocorrects

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.

@david8hughes

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO