“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
don’t we all
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.